7/10/2018

Guys, there’s some myths out there that you’ll hear when you get divorced about how to continue raising the kids. Society and church have some common views about “co-parenting”, a term used to describe how to continue raising your kids if you have them after divorce. Everybody knows the right things to say, we all have the correct statements that “it’s about the kids welfare”, but the fact is the Grand Canyon of differences between mom and dad is going to spill over into how to work together about parenting decisions.

It’s impossible to describe the number and varying “states” of relationships after divorce between a man and a woman. Suffice it to say, divorce derives out of disagreement and a lack of consensus on how the relationship between a man an a woman perceived that relationship. Divorce severs that relationship, and for a lack of a better way of saying it, the likelihood of having a cordial relationship is very uncommon after a divorce. There’s anger, hurt, mis-trust and a general breakdown of every part of that relationship that was once hope and love. Rarely are both parties in agreement that a relationship can be maintained relative to each party hosting the ability to put all that aside for the better of the kids and “parent” the kids in an effective and efficient manner, but it can be done. There are two entirely different viewpoints about what happened, and because of that chasm between two people who have been disconnected, the relationship among the family members (kids and parents) is going to change very abruptly.

The kids are put in the middle, and you have to remember that it’s very unfair for kids to be in this situation. The core family relationship they have been indoctrinated into has been shattered, their lives are thrown into complete disarray. They will be torn between both parents, and it doesn’t necessarily matter which parent they end up with. In most cases it’s going to be the mother who they stay with, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they like that or want that. It can go either way. In my case, all three of my kids adopted very differing viewpoints and interpretations of what happened to mom and dad, and each one has to be dealt with accordingly.

The bottom line is, don’t lose contact with your kids not matter what she does, what she says, or what actions she takes. Unless there was abuse of some kind, and you lost the right to see your kids by act of a restraining order, or some legal action, you’ll be free to continue the relationship with your children. It’s important that your kids understand that you still love them and you still want to be their dad. Forget about fairness, it’s not going to be fair, trust me. Life’s not fair. It is what it is. Your children deserve to be loved and pursued by their father, and it’s your responsibility to maintain that relationship. They are going to move on, particularly depending on their age. They will adjust, it’s your job to be there and be present even if you’re in a different state. With all the technology tools we have now, there’s no excuse not to have communication with them. There’s FaceTime, texting, phone, and of course opportunities to be with them in person. Maintain that contact, especially in the beginning while the new parameters are being set, while the new routines are being established.

We don’t have to depend on our prior spouses to have a relationship with our kids men! In fact, we need to figure out ways to maintain those relationships with our kids going forward completely outside of the relationship we have with our kid’s mother. Assuming that the divorce is final, and there’s no chance of reconciliation, you want to reestablish the relationship in a way that is independent of her to the largest degree possible, because you want to have a relationship that has it’s own merits, it’s own identity.

Do what you have to do. Don’t take out your anger and hurt about your previous spouse on her in a way that damages the kids further. Let that be a separate compartment in your life. You have to understand that by allowing your anger and resentment at her to dictate your relationship with your kids prevents you from moving forward. Do not try to get back at her by removing yourself from their lives, that hurts them, not her.

Kids are innocent, remember that they were put in the middle of this, they don’t ask for it, and they don’t deserve it. Just know that she’s going to do many more things that upset you over the upcoming years, that hurt you, that bewilder you. Chuck it! Don’t worry about her! Just do what you have to do to engage and continue being a father.